If you choose one book to read one book that is posted on this website, it should be How to Win Friends and Influence People. By far the most impactful book I have ever read, it continues to add value each time I read through it. For that reason, I have taken the time to comb through the book and post the quotes that resonated with me with the hope that you find them as valuable as I do. I have underlined the quotes that you should read twice. Dale Carnegie does a great job of clearly explaining each one of his points, relating it to a real life example and informing you how to apply the lesson to your life. He was a prominent instructor in the 1910’s-30’s that taught courses on public speaking and human relations and his words ring as true now as they did 80 years ago.
*Disclaimer: I do not claim to own any of the content below, all rights should be given to Dale Carnegie and Gallery Books.*
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
If you Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive
“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”
“By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.”
“Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.”
“Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.” – Confucius
“I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
Principle 1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain.
The Big Secret of Dealing with People
“The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.”
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” – Charles Schwab
“I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this say again.”
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Principle 2: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way
“If there is any one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” – Henry Ford
“The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.”
“Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.”
Principle 3: Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
Six Ways to Make People Like You
Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.” – Alfred Adler
“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” – Publilius Syrus
Principle 1: Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression.
“The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important that the clothes one wears on one’s back.”
“Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”
“It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.”
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – William Shakespeare
Principle 2: Smile
If You Don’t Do This, You are Headed for Trouble
“Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“One of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will is by remembering names and making people feel important.”
Principle 3: Remember That a Person’s Name is to That Person the Sweetest and Most Important Sound in Any Language
An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist
“Few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.” – Jack Woodford
“They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open…Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait” – Isaac F. Marcosson
“So if you apsire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”
Principle 4: Be a Good Listener. Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves
How to Interest People
“The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.” – Theodore Roosevelt
Principle 5: Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests
How to Make People Like You Instantly
“Always make the other person feel important.”
“The desire to feel importance is the deepest urge in human nature.” – John Dewey
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” – William James
“Almost everyone considers himself important, very important.”
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” – Disraeli
Principle 6: Make the Other Person Feel Important – and Do it Sincerely
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
You Can’t Win an Argument
“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph.”
“Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced that ever that he is absolutely right.”
“Why prove to a man that he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him?”
“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love.” – Buddha
Bits and Pieces, published by The Economist Press, Fairfield, N.J.
- Distrust your first instinctive impressions. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, but not your best.
- Control your Temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
- Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Do not build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
- Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
- Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
- Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully. and mean it. Your opponents may be right. it is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear.
Principle 1: The Only Way to Get the Best of an Argument is to Avoid it.
A Sure Way of Making Enemies – And How to Avoid It
“If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.”
“Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot.” – Alexander Pope
“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.” – Galileo
“Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.” – Lord Chesterfield
“One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.” – Socrates
“There is magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: ‘I may be wrong, I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.'”
Principle 2: Show Respect for the Other Person’s Opinions. Never Say, “You’re Wrong.”
If You’re Wrong, Admit it
“If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?”
“There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.”
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.”
Principle 3: If You Are Wrong, Admit it Quickly and Emphatically.
A Drop of Honey
“It is an old and true maxim that ‘ a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.’ So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say that you will, is the great high road to reason.” – Abraham Lincoln
Principle 4: Begin in a Friendly Way
The Secret of Socrates
“In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Being by emphasizing – and keep emphasizing – the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.”
Principle 5: Get the Other Person Saying “Yes, Yes” Immediately.
The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints
“Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.”
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you. When our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they – or at least some of them – will feel inferior and envious.” – La Rochefoucauld
Principle 6: Let the Other Person Do a Great Deal of the Talking
How to Get Cooperation
“No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.”
Principle 7: Let the Other Person Feel That the Idea is His or Hers.
A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You
“Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.”
“There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason – and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.”
Principle 8: Try Honestly to See Things From the Other Person’s Point of View.
What Everyone Wants
“You deserve very little credit for being what you are – and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are.”.
“There, but for the grace of God, go I.”
“Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. Self-pity of misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.” – Dr. Arthur I. Gates
Principle 9: Be Sympathetic With the Other People’s Ideas and Desires
An Appeal That Everyone Likes
“A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.” – J. Pierpont Morgan
“The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.”
Principle 10: Appeal to the Nobler Motives.
The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?
“This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.”
Principle 11: Dramatize Your Ideas.
When Nothing Else Works, Try This
“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition.” – Charles Schwab
“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.”
“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling importance.”
Principle 12: Throw Down a Challenge.
Be a Leader; How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin
“It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.”
“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
Principle 1: Begin With Praise and Honest Appreciation
How to Criticize – and Not be Hated for It
“Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment. This can easily be overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.'”
Principle 2: Call Attention to People’s Mistakes Indirectly.
Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
“Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior.”
Principle 3: Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing the Other Person.
No One Likes to Take Orders
“Owen Young always gave suggestions, not orders. A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.”
Principle 4: Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders.
Let the Other Person Save Face
“Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.”
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his won eyes. What matters is not what I think of him but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Principle 5: Let the Other Person Save Face.
How to Spur People On to Success
“When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.”
“Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.”
“Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.” – William James
“If you single out specific accomplishments rather than general flattering remarks, the praise becomes much more meaningful to the person whom it was given.”
“We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.”
“Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.”
Principle 6: Praise the Slightest Improvement and Praise Every Improvement. Be “Hearty in Your Approbation and Lavish in Your Praise.”
Give a Dog a Good Name
“The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.” – Samuel Vauclain
Principle 7: Give the Other Person a Fine Reputation to Live Up to.
Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
“Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.”
Principle 8: Use Encouragement. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct.
Making People Glad to Do What You Want
“The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
- Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
- Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
- Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
- Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
- Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
- When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
Principle 9: Make the Other Person Happy About Doing the Thing You Suggest.
Playing the Infinite Game 